Moonlit-Torch

Full time job to make money
full time collage to make education
Full time personal crap
No time sleep
No time fun
no time eat



...


ya.. Im sure everyone has noticed, I haven't been around lately, and I wont be.
Too much to do with too little time make for a time when hobies are put aside. That included deviant art for th emost part, Including my club.. I feel awful, it was picking up so well. But Amateur manips is not going ot feed me in a year... this will.

Well the wedding is today, im all "dolled up" i didnt think i would like it so much but its kinda lovely the job they've done. i just dont really want to stand out really if you know what i mean. I have to read a poem about love infornt of nearly 150 people today :/ shouldnt be to bad, i hate public speaking but it isnt a complicated read and i just need to remeber to pace nicely. I havent put my dress on yet, but i hope my hair and make up match it right >: i did not put anythign shiny or anything in my hair its jsut curled (omg i know my hair? curly?) and some of it is brought up. I'm going to ask my mum to take a picture so i may show you guys. I doubt I will ever look like this ever again unless i get married my self. even for prom i hardly looked anything near this.
I kinda feel alittle lonely, its been a cold summer and i ahve no one to snuggle, i saw caitlin once and feel better though. its not so bad, im jsut tired of tryign to be happy like and social with relatives and newly met soon to be family...

anyway my brother is an usher so we have to leave extra early, the wedding is downtown and such... i'm off to try and carefully eat some food and close my eyes without laying or siting back. then i have to pee and then get dressed and hope i dont get my period today >:

SOOOO a few days after my last jounral or somehtign dani and i kinda hung out after i went shoping for some clothes to get a new bathing suit nad drown my sorrows in pretty new clothes. it was kinda wkward he let me hug him and we went to sonic and they gave us free chickens cuz they messed up my order. then after that day we hung out some more.. then we pretty much started doing what we were doing before we "broke up" now we are to the point where we act the same like noting happened except he wont give me an answer on weather or not he wants to be in an officiall relationship (he gets to call himself single now) and I cry when ever i do somethign that has a lot of memory to it liek staying over at his house a few days ago was hard and i couldnt stop sobbing and he was just snuggling me telling me i needed to stopa nd feel better. the other main difference now is i refuse to be especially phisically intimate with soneoen who isnt 100% commited to me and all that.. which i think is reasonable.. even htoguh it mayb e torture for him and for me.

We had a kinda serious mostly me yelling discussion the other day cuz i was so frustrated with the situation and all that, and he eventually just said that he doesnt know why he doesnt want the relationship thing but his feelings fo r me arent changed really, he still feels inlove with me and its very strong, he just finds the idea of a relationship to be... weird.
part of it im sure is that he will have to comprimise a bit more with me on certian issues. such as his....... recreation. and also he has commitment issues (im sure thats what this is)

All I can say is even though i love him and i dont want to be with out hima nd i want a relationship and i would love to live and grow with him... if he doesn't figure out how to deal with it soon... then i dunno.. i might have to start spending less time with him.. he gets to be single, and run aorund with all his new friends doing reckless things.. he seems to becoming kidan obsessed with it.... and i dont really liek it, i've tried to be apart of it, but it's not my thing.
I'm not saying he has to snap to being perfect, im jsut saying he needs to get his priorities straight and such. I have been supporting him and trying to be a good persona nd be patient and such, but there is only so far patience can bring you. its really hard. really really hard. even though he hugs me and says he loves me there a part o fme doubting the seriousness i can apply to him when he says he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship with me. I feel used.


so ya thats a quickish update on "the situation"! Oh also im in canada, for my brother's wedding >: and they want me to read this i love you poem (*pang to da heart* i miss dani already.. been here for a day..)for their wedding x.x i hate public speaking, its an easy poem to say its jsut once you infront of peopel you get all tounge tied and shit... :sigh: any way i found shoes to go with my dress, im htinking i jsu tneed a new purse, a silver one... yay shopping with my mum e.e

PS my back is killing me e.e i fucking hate sleeping here.

Well i wrote up this whole big thing of what i wanted to say and this thing idea i have to propose to him. e.e  i wanted to talk to hima bout it in person and all, not as an e-mail or snail mail or text or IM. e.e in person. *sigh* but its liek ehs avoiding me any way.. so i dunno how its gogin to go when/ if it actually happens.. he will probly just tell my im psycho and i need to leave.
I feel bad for getting mad when he didnt want to hang out with me today. -.- thsi has all just been so freakin stressfull. jsut messed up and im so fucking depressed e.e arg. whatever.

By the way. My social life is cat food...
crunchy little lumps being crushed peice by peice by some horrible dark thing thats wet and filled with pointy smelly things...

that and the most social thing i'v done this week beside work is buying cat food.

still can hardly eat.. when i do i gag. e.e
i love food.. this is an extra torture of omg grr...
sleeping isnt fun when it finally happens either.


yay! emotionally and physically damaged now anorexic cat girl! who wants one?!

Read @ your own risk, sever emoness and poor grammar/spelling!! (this is of course just whats rolling through my head, dont take it as a complete story of what's happening ... or anything silly like that)

I have never cried so hard or so much ever in my life before now.

I never wanted things to happen this way. I wish he had talked to me sooner rather than caring on such a long confusing battle. I feel so incredibly defective, unwanted, and rejected by the one person I was SURE accepted me completely. Now I know all his friends hate me, he is fed up with my crap, and I'm feeling alone and foolish. He always told me to talk to him when I had a problem, but he never followed his own advice and I started to become more frustrated and emotional. He never told me why he did things and I began to feel rejected and pushed away. I became overly emotional, bending him 'till he snapped.

The worst part is he waited untill I had finally opened up and let my self keep falling in love. He called it obsession, but he's the one who told me to open up more and relax, so I did. He then tried to blam him self, saying he should have no problem with my attatchment to him and he has an escapism complex of some sort and he needs to experience things. He said he could see us together in a year or so, but not at the moment. In a year or so would be when we move to austin though.

He said at first he only wanted to ask for some time, but we ended up breaking up. then he said he still loves me. then he said 'us' is jsut not what he wants for right now, then i asked if it was just a temporary thing cuz i would liek that, then he said probably, then i asked if this was a just a 'taking a break' thing or us broken up, he said  "We are just friends."

Now I say I'll leave him alone. I mean it. If he doesn't want me, I wont try or beg. If he want's me he will come back. but I honestly hope it's just some small "mid-life" crisis. cuz beign afraid you havent experienced enough in life is a ligit reason. but beign afraid of experiencing somehting makes someone as anxious and problem filled as myself. its not fun having constant anxiety.

I am in denial. Today was my denial day. I was to meet him for tea and I was so anxious and run down i couldn't sleep i couldnt eat i felt weak (like nearly fainting when making sudden movements or walking up stairs) and emotionally was ruined. I was a ball of axiety, yet some how I managed to take a kinda of nap where I woke up every 5 minutes cuz I had some weird ass "reunion" dream where I would have talked with him in a civil way and said my goodbyes while trying not to cry then he would push me against the car and we would share a kiss, liek he used to before. or i would drive him home from the diner and he would invite me in to grap soemthing thing and i would kiss his cheek and he would kiss me back untill we were a ball of tearfilled kisses and strong hugs and hands going everywhere.

He is my bestfriend, but not any more. I want him to be my bestfriend, I want him to be my lover, my protector, my boyfriend, my partner in everything, my mate...

Silly silly me. I know this wont happen now... But I Would like it to.
I guess I'll just have to cry for another few nights and hopefully wont have to see him move on from me.. and all that we had.


------------------------- few days after what happened ------------------------------


Things I knew but failed to fix

Now im not saying everything was me, it goes bothways. I'm just trying to spell out my own self examination. Most of these have been said before.

1)Communicating.
When something was happening there was the habit to not talk about it as much as we should have. We would start with the problem but never really explore why. this was bothways, but I was alittle worse with it.
  -- Expression. When I don't know how to describe how I feel I nothing is wrong and figure I will deal with it later.
  -- Say what I mean and not what I think will get what needs to be done or make other people feel more accepting of my ways.
  -- Making assumtions. Instead of asking for his own words, I would 'know' whats happening and act on it.
  -- Stop deciding not to talk about an issue cuz I think its little and it is nothing therefore it is going to just go away and not be a problem any more. This kinda has to deal with expression. sweeping things under the rug doesnt work and i know this I just kidna ignore it cuz I don't wana talk about it.

2) Taking initiative
  -- Noticing warning signs. I saw the signs but basically blamed him on not talking to me about it all. Why couldn't I just ask him what was wrong. I did, but never pushed it, just every now and then he would seem up set so I would ask if he was ok and what was wrong but he said it wasn't anything so I brushed his hair a side or rubbed his cheek and said ok or rawr or luv you. I could have stepped up and said what I saw going on rather than waiting and exploding.
  -- Showing love. I think I did fine here, but apparently did too much.
  -- Doing things. I have an anxiety thing that never was a problem for me before in the fact that I just stayed home and never did anythign fun or excitign and my parents had no problem with it and my friends went out and had fun and experienced life and i stayed home cuz it just "doesnt sound like a good idea.. WHAT IF ------- happenes". I wanted to go do all the things he and other want to do, I just can't relax and if i do do it i dont have fun cuz i dont relax and if there are new peoepl there my mouth vomits bad conversation and Im too worried that im ruining things that i ruin it. Soooooo I never really took the initiative to do things other peopel wanted to do aswell.
  -- Bringing in the romance. I tried to do some myself, and when it wasnt being given to me and all that I decided that it was my turn to bring in all the fun romantic things and made a few little plans. However, anythign i suggested was rejected. I liked to make dinner for us I thought it was really nice and a little thing to do but before we figured out how to cook with eachother it was rather difficult. here im not sure how to fix, except to not try, as apparently people aren't as into romance (nice wine, dinners together, dressing fancy, picnics, spagetti and a movie) as I am.

3) Change.
  -- Trying. A while ago a few things that needed polishing were pointed out and I feel I tried and someone else hadn't. My efforts then back fired in my opinion and I only developed other "bad habits" for example: relating to communication. I needed to show emotion, open up more and be loving but i needed to talk about things. so I opened up more let my self fall in love but if i tried to talk i couldnt say it right so I gave up after i was met with frustration and started to do some weird quiet thing where i just kidna shut down for a little while and apparently caused more frutration. My point wasnt to get attention or cause frustration, infact it was some instinctive effort to get out of the way and let it pass (again thinking i would deal with it later) that way no one would be upset because of my own issues. *sigh* fail.
  -- wrong direction. As said above.
  -- Giving up. As said above, but also after noting the other person had lapsed, I did not fix my own lapse fast enough. I started, but was met with difficulties I hadn't put fourth my strongest effort.

4) Anxiety
  -- I know I talked about this above, but it desereves its own section.
  -- for a few months now I have been thinking of maybe gogin to the doctor to ask for medication. It's not horrible to the point of being OCD or completely dysfunctional. But it is enough to affect my life in a way i dont want it too. It makes work more stressfull, it makes hanging out less apealing, it makes hard issues harder and emotions mixed.
  -- Physical symptoms.
*I fidgit when Im not calm or sleeping. Typing on the computer solves this or just kidna moving my mouse around to do random things even if i have no focus. Video games also help with a nice complete distraction, Im actually calmest when I play video games, but i dont play that often as im too stressed from work school and life.
*Heart beats, I will get home after work and lay down on the couch, feel like im gogin to fall asleep but cant becuase my heart hasn't stopped racing or beating REALLY hard since i left work.
*mind racing (which can cause heat crap), im counting this one, because it prevents sleep and interferes with things (i didnt check my bank statement online, is my payment goign through, are they gogin to take my car cuz my payment isnt gogin through, i should look out the window to make sure my car is locked and fine, maybe i should justmove it to the driveway. OR when i dial numbers at work, I litterally have to "double check it" 3 times as it rings before i can relax and be assured i dialed corrctly.)
*Always tired even on my days off I get too tired to want to do something just because i either over or under slept, or got worked up over soemthign there for my mind and body were like exploding while i kept a "cool" outside snapping at family to leave me alone and im jsut nto in a good mood or soemthing. i could do one thing that day but get worked up. Like if i go somewhere i havent been before i will be anxious the entire time, sometiems nearly overwhelming. that makes you mroe tired faster.
*weight issues. i drop weight when im more anxious, i cant afford that, im thin already. it could just be a week where i feel stressed. this week with the MAJOR thigns going on i ahve dropped nearly 10 pounds... in one week. my bewbs are a cup size down suddenly >.>
  -- Collage. I figured things would be more difficult or busy becuase i had school and work and life was changing. it wasnt so bad, i didn thave a full schedual or anythign but my anxiety feelings kinda spiked, more than it spiked when i first moved here and went to high school and such. feels like it has been building since then as everyone was doing things and i wasnt.
  -- always had a bit of it. I dont want people to think that i suddenly decided this was here o that someoen put it in my head. Even when I was younger everyone called me a "worry wart" I kinda think i had anxiety over normal life stages more than others, there are things i wont mention but mostly it was normal things like changing grades mostly changing schools it would take me a year to get used to a new school (even if it was the same people) AT TIHS POINT IT WAS NOT A PROBLEM honestly, people were imature and i wasnt into it, and i was comfortable with life eventually and less stressed(nothing awful so far right?), but more of a one friend kidna person and became friends wiht caitlin. I think it was fine for being apart of me at this time in life. jsut doesn't fit now with the whole "gaining independance" thing.   Maybe it just means i was predisposed to have issues.

5) Attachement
  -- All i have to say is there should be no problem with the way i love, i take a lot of time and ease into it. Once i finally feel 100% comfortable and all that thoguh suddenly its too much, even if its what was asked for. I like to be really close to one person rather than having lots of ok friends. I'm a 1-on-1 person not a large group person.
    I realise that guys wont stay attached to someone untill they are ready to settle down, but women are ready to settle down when they find the right man. I thought i found the right man for now and got a little too comfortable, while this other person said he loved me, but needed space, or whatever. I know now that it was the need to experience life and the fear of commiting to anythign before ready. That would probly be the translation of "I could see us in a year or 2 but not right now at this very moment" I just wish there was that good communication we were seemingly scared of.. he jsut kept trying to push me away and not telling me why untill the snapping point.



Now im not expecting someone to read this at all honestly, but im not expecting anyone who happens to skim over it to be all "this girls getting her shit together" or "she jsut says that cuz she got dumped"  cuz im not fixed or anyting i know i ahve an issue and i tihnk i know how to fix it but life takes time.

now for a self pity note
I miss him dearly, even though we have seen eachother sicne and he wants to be friends.. I miss him.
There are things you can't do with a friend... like snuggle, kiss, stroke their face and say you love them, go on dates, sleep or nap in the same bed/couch/blanket/floor/where ever you are when your sleepy.. Cant ask how cute his penis is today, or if he wants a frenchfry *the primary food of the penis* cant makes dirty personal jokes, only ones that arent personal or in that kind of loop.  All you get to do is sit across the room or table feeling awkward and hurt wondering if he feels the same or is thinking he "just need a week then maybe after her summer trip ill be ok, we'll be ok" or if its jsut you. Att he moment i am rather conivinced he thought he needed space but will very soon (if not already) decide life is nicer with out me. and at the moment that is my greatest fear. with the confused rollorcoaster emotion thing im gogin through i would probably just suffer heartbreak all over again once he's moved on and im not... makes me feel pathetic. He said he was supposed to be that guy in high school that was kinda hung up on me but nothign happned and there was only a wonder of what could have happned, not actually a relationship. but i think its different. I htink hes the guy who didnt really give up and was a romantic like me, he gave me my first flower (from a guy) and hes the guy who will sweep me away and show me life. like the rich girl who falls inlove witht he street boy and they run away and make alife for themselves, liek the princess bride when she falls for westly and her nice life jsut sint enough and they ahve an adventure (after beign seperated and emotionaly tortured fro years, but neverthe less he sweeps her away and shows her lvoe and life) or liek in sweeny todd the young boy steals away Todd's young daughter from the evil guy..  buy i guess i "inhibited" the adventure part.. which drasticaly effected the happily ever after.